Le Cafe BK
by V.E. London
Summary: This is hilarious. My friend Julie helped with the idea. Le Cafe le Vrai cette un Burger Roi! PG13 for language.


The Matrix Reloaded, The Matrix, and all related media, characters, and stories are copyright 1999-2003 AOL Time Warner and Village Roadshow Pictures. The transcript below contains parts of a script written by the Wachowski brothers. This transcript is provided for fans' enjoyment and reference and does not intend copyright infringement. The entire content of this transcript is property of Larry and Andy Wachowski, AOL Time Warner, and Village Roadshow Pictures. No claim is lain on the ownership of the words contained within this transcript on the part of me (V.E. London)  
  
************************************************************************  
  
Le Café Le Vrai cette un Burger Roi   
  
They all wondered if this was the place. The card the Oracle had given Neo said this address, but this couldn't be. It was just a Burger King.   
  
"Are you sure this is the place?" asked Trinity.  
  
"Uh, that's what the card said. The Merovinigan should be here," replied Neo, but he doubted it. Merovingian was such a fancy name, and this was certainly not a very fancy place.   
  
  
  
They walked through the glass door that lead to the inside of a typical Burger King. Most of the place seemed normal, there was a line at the front counter with some pimply teenager as the register jockey. There were normal people seated around the various plastic tables with under stuffed booth seats. But then their eyes were drawn to the back of the restaurant towards the kiddy play area. There was a table with an assortment of odd, out of place people sitting around it. A girl in a really tight cream ensemble, a man in a nice suit, and then some freaky twins in off-white outfits, smoking pot. There were others there, too, but they aren't worth describing.   
  
Neo, Trinity, and Morpheus walked over to them.   
  
Merovingian: We've been expecting you  
  
He was seated with a glass of wine and a Whopper Jr. meal on a plastic tray in front of him, the fries all arranged in an oddly artistic semicircle around the plate and on top of the burger.   
  
Neo: You're the Merovingian?  
  
Merovingian: Bingo. Not quite what you were expecting, right? Almost done. Smell good, don't they?  
  
Trinity: Excuse me?  
  
Merovingian: Oh sainte singe baiser de votre mere! Sorry, those were the Oracle's lines. What was I supposed to say again?  
  
Neo: How about you start by introducing me to your hot little lady friend?  
  
Trinity: (wants to slap Neo but realizes that Morpheus is in the way. She slaps him instead)  
  
Morpheus: Why did you just hit me?  
  
Trinity: Because Neo is being an ass  
  
Neo: Well, I wouldn't be such an "ass" if you weren't being so ugly  
  
Trinity: Okay, that's it. We are in a public place! I told you that we would talk about it on the Neb. Now drop it!  
  
The Merovingian and the Twins exchange glances. Persephone busies herself by staring at Neo's really handsome face. Neo and Trinity continue bickering for about 10 minutes.   
  
Merovingian: (coughs) well, I have remembered my lines, we can get on with it.   
  
Neo: Fuck off Merovingian! Stay out of other people's business.   
  
A clerk from the register over hears this and comes over to them.   
  
Clerk, we'll call him Joey: Hey, this is a family restaurant. You're going to have to stop shouting and swearing. People are trying to eat. And, sir, what have I told you about bringing alcoholic beverages to the kiddy play hut?   
  
Merovingian: Ya ya ya ya ya.   
  
Joey leaves, but they haven't seen the last of him.   
  
Merovingian: Where was I?  
  
Neo: You were about to tell us where the key maker was so we could take him with us.   
  
Merovingian: Oh, okay. Hey, wait a second, (French swearing).That's not how it is supposed to go. (starts searching his pockets) I can't find the speech I wrote. I wrote a speech that I was going to give you. It was so good, too, brilliant even. (more French swearing). I'll just give you the gist of what I was going to say. Um, knowledge is power, yatta yatta yatta, this is Persephone, my wife. Um, cause and affect and a strange French word that pretty much sums up the cause and affect part. Now I'm pissed. Fuck it, just fuck it. Take the damn key maker and get the hell out of here. He only made keys to damn gas station restrooms anyway.  
  
Trinity: Where is he?  
  
Merovingian: Over in the bottom of the ball pit. You're going to have to do quite a bit of digging, though. And when you're done, fuck off.   
  
Persephone: Wait, that's it? You just gave them the key maker? But I was supposed to try and seduce Neo…  
  
Neo: Really!? Well, let's not ruin things. After all, like Morpheus says, what happens always happens for a reason. That's why we're still here and stuff.   
  
Trinity: (stands up, grabs Neo by the ear, and starts to pull him toward the ball pit)  
  
Neo: Hey, we don't want to disrupt the order of things, now do we?   
  
Trinity throws Neo into the ball pit to look for the key maker. After 10 minutes, he surfaces, gasping, and throws the key maker over the side.   
  
Neo: Damn, that thing went on forever. I found a bunch of children's bodies down there. I don't think there really are kidnappers, I think all of the missing kids just went to these deadly ball pits.  
  
Trinity: Whatever, lets just go.  
  
Neo: You're not mad are you? Great, not only did I not get seduced by Persephone, now I'm not going to get any tonight either. This sucks.   
  
Trinity: Hey, where's Morpheus?  
  
Neo: Who?  
  
Trinity: The tall black guy, duh. The one who made you that sweater.   
  
Neo: Oh, Morpheus. Yeah, where did he go?  
  
Trinity: I hope that he's okay.   
  
Neo: Hope that who's okay?  
  
Trinity: You stupid fucking idiot! God, I hate this! Why do I have to put up with your ass! Couldn't you at least try to comprehend the situation?! Jesus H. fucking Christ Neo!   
  
Neo: (backs away slowly with a scared look on his face)  
  
We see Joey has had the last straw. They spilled all of those damn plastic balls everywhere. Did they know how long it takes to clean those up? And if some of them roll into the street, it comes out of his pay check. Fucking bastards.  
  
Joey: (really mad now) Hey, I am going to have to ask you two to get out of here right now! (he makes a move to grab Trinity by the shoulder to remove her quickly)  
  
Trinity: Touch me, and that hand will never touch your dick again.   
  
Joey quickly removes his hand from Trinity's general area. Trinity starts to leave, and so does Neo.   
  
Key Maker: Will you hold my hand? I have had a really traumatic experience. They kept me in such inhumane conditions. There was so much poop and urine in that ball pit I could barely breathe. Not to mention the bodies of all of those children who suffocated down there.  
  
Neo: Sure.  
  
And we see the three of them, Neo holding the key maker's hand and Trinity with her arms crossed against her chest, walking into the sunset, leaving that terrible fast food place behind them and walking towards the unsure future that lies ahead… By the way, Morpheus got sick and tired of being ignored, so he went back to the ship and tied all of Neo and Trinity's boot laces together. 


End file.
